Separation

How to cope with changes in your life

Introduction

Life after a family members’ arrest can be extremely difficult. As well as coping with feelings of loneliness, many people have to continue the task of raising children by themselves, as well as maintaining a healthy relationship with their imprisoned family member. This Jigsaw leaflet will offer some insight into how you can adjust to the changes in your life, and provide details of who you can turn to for advice and support.

Changing relationships & changing feelings

Whilst the arrest of a family member may cause a short, sharp shock, the repercussions tend to be felt for the entirety of their stay in prison, and beyond. Often, little reminders of things that you used to do together will cause the harshest feelings of grief. Therefore, finding a way to cope with the pain of separation is essential.

To help deal with grief, it can be helpful to view the grieving process as consisting of four main phases: during the first stage, you may feel a sense of shock and disbelief, accompanied by a lack of energy; in the second stage, there is often a severe feeling of loss; in the penultimate stage, people often feel angry, and sometimes guilty; finally, the fourth and final stage consists of a gradual recovery, allowing you to begin to cope with your changed circumstances.

Emotions often run highest around the time of visits – at these times, the feeling that your family member ought to be at home with you can be at its strongest. On the other hand, people who have feared the prospect of a family member’s arrest for a long time may feel somehow relieved – this is also perfectly normal.

An inevitability of life after an arrest is that your relationship will change: things sometimes get better, and sometimes they get worse, but they never stay just the same. Changes in how people learn to cope with an altered relationship often accompany different stages of a prison term, whether it be the trial, an appeal, a transfer between prisons, an indeterminate sentence or even release. It is important to take stock of your feelings and any fears you may have at each different stage.

Shared experiences & personal experiences

One way in which you can share your experiences of separation is to talk with other people who are suffering the same problems. Regardless of background or circumstances, all families find that they share similar experiences of the criminal justice system. Often, this results in what might feel like an unexpected sense of camaraderie and togetherness in prison waiting areas – everyone present will be facing similar problems with the various arrangements necessary to ensure a successful visit.

Enjoying conversation with other families in waiting areas can help alleviate the feeling that you are on your own; often, people find that this is a good way to find out about new ideas regarding how to cope with their troubles. However, it is important to be wary of revealing particularly personal information – such environments can be a hotbed for gossip!

Some aspects of each individual’s experience, however, will be unique to them. Dealing with separation can depend on your feelings about the imprisonment, the nature of your relationships with your family member and any children you may have, the support available from friends and family, and how easy you find it to take good care of yourself by making sure that you find new things to enjoy.

Each of these aspects of your personal life will have an effect on how you cope with separation. What’s important to know is that the empathy received from others dealing with separation can help. Services such as Jigsaw can also give advice and help you to meet others who will be able to understand your situation and provide support.

Loneliness & depression

People often report that the sense of isolation they feel following a family member’s arrest is heightened by the stigma that being a partner or relation of a prisoner brings. Few people ever have to plan for an enforced separation, and so people are often faced with problems they never imagined they’d have to deal with. One of the dangers of feeling lonely is that it can cause people to retreat into themselves; they may feel anxious or guilty about the idea of going out and trying to enjoy themselves.

Again, talking to others in a similar situation can help, and could even lead to a new and comforting friendship. Prison staff and Jigsaw will be more than happy to offer support in finding someone who also wants to find some understanding and support. Taking opportunities such as these can help people feel much less isolated.

Those who have recently lost a partner to a prison sentence are especially vulnerable to depression. This will often be encountered during the various stages that accompany your acclimatisation to changed circumstances, and needs to be taken seriously as an illness that deserves careful attention.

As well as having a powerful effect on your emotions – you may frequently experience feelings such as shame and despair, or feel unloved – depression can bring physical ailments. These can include changes to your appetite, fatigue, headaches, skin problems and trouble sleeping. If you find that any of these problems – emotional or physical – are having an effect on your life, then it may be wise to seek help. The following sections will detail a number of ways in which you can find the right support and advice for you, as well as providing some self-help ideas.

Simple ways to help yourself

Firstly, it is important to realise that your own needs are important. You need to take care of your own concerns, regardless of any other feelings you may be experiencing – the good news is that this is often the hardest part. Once you have recognised that you deserve care and attention, and that you have a right to feel low or depressed about your problems, then you can set about finding ways to cope with any difficulties in your life.

First of all, recognise that talking is important – while it may not offer simple solutions, getting things off of your chest is sure to make you feel less as though you are on your own. Connected to this is the fear of crying – again, while it may feel like a difficult or embarrassing thing to do, letting someone see how hard you are finding things will help them to help you. Also try to become aware of any extremes in your feelings – try to think about things you would do or say if you were less upset, and use this to help you gain a more realistic outlook on things.

As well as recognising that you have a right to feel depressed, it is also crucial not to bottle up any anger you may experience. As well as providing a bit of an adrenaline rush, releasing your anger may help to counteract any feelings of personal guilt you may be experiencing. Use your anger carefully, and try to channel it into doing interesting things for your own pleasure – exercise, for example, can help make you feel good about yourself, and provide you with an opportunity to meet new people.

People often attempt to overcome depression by taking prescribed anti-depressants or sleeping tablets. Please be careful if you follow this route – seek advice from your doctor, and be aware that they can simply cause you to neglect your real feelings, or even lead to addiction.

Outside types of help available

Whilst many relatives of prisoners seek support from family and friends, there are various expert organisations that can help ease the strain of certain problems you may face.

Help with prison visits and money matters

For those on benefits or with a low income, the Assisted Prison Visits Unit can help fund your visits. Most people are able to claim travel costs for two visits every four weeks – depending on circumstances, this could include an allowance for food and accommodation. All the details you will need are available on the APVU 2022 form, which is available from the visitors’ centre, prison or benefit office.

Expert help

Many relatives of prisoners are not aware of the wide range of support that is available to them – hence this booklet! You may feel that some problems would be best dealt with by experts; GPs or health visitors, for instance. Remember that these services are available to you, and will be pleased to lend their support.

Jigsaw Visitors’ Centre

Jigsaw is a registered charity, and operates independently of HMP Leeds, putting us in an ideal position to provide prisoners’ families with help and advice. We understand that prison affects families just as much as it impacts on the prisoners themselves, and are able to give confidential advice on any concerns that you may have, whether they be financial, emotional, or to do with matters such as discrimination or childcare.

Considering your children & remaining your ‘own person’

Knowing how to help your children through this time is difficult, especially when you have your own fears and worries to deal with. The first step to helping your children cope with a family members’ arrest could be simply to seek help and care from your immediate family – they are most likely to know how to help the people close to them. School teachers and other parents who have experienced a similar kind of separation may also be able to offer advice.

The staff at Jigsaw will be more than happy to help with any of your concerns, and offers an information service to help support families. Another source of support could be the Prisoner Families’ helpline website at www.prisonersfamilieshelpline.org.uk, which has details of storybooks that can help young children to deal with the impact of a parent going to prison.

When learning to deal with the affects of separation, it is important to look at different ways of coping – by supporting your children, they can cheer you up, and by supporting yourself, you can help them deal with their loss. In order to achieve this sort of balance, it may be important to give yourself some time and space away from your children. By finding good child care, and making careful decisions about how to spend your free time, you can help yourself to find new hobbies or ways to enjoy yourself with your friends. Simply spending a couple of hours in the company of close mates, or taking up voluntary work to gain a sense of fulfilment, can help deal with the feelings of loneliness and isolation that you are bound to feel occasionally.

What to do if your partner asks for help

Often, prisoners face further complications after their imprisonment. If they fall foul of their prison’s disciplinary system, then they may face the prospect of having to answer a charge – in some cases, they may even be moved from a low- to a high-security prison. As well as making their own experiences harder to deal with, this can also affect their families, who may find travelling for visits more difficult, or that visits are restricted by a glass barrier.

If a prisoner feels that they have been the victim of an injustice, relatives may feel a desire to complain to the prison authorities. However, it is important to take stock of any anger that you feel, and to think calmly about the facts of the matter and any possible repercussions that lodging a complaint might have. This way, if you do decide that a complaint through the prison official or legal system is justified, then you can pursue it peacefully and sensibly, without any drama accompanying your visits.

In most cases, prisoners will have been told about their prison’s complaints procedure upon their imprisonment. If they feel that they need more details, then assistance will be available from the wing officer or prison library. By lodging a complaint with the Prisons and Probation Ombudsman – a completely independent investigative body – they will be able to have their case looked into. Please note that, at present, the Ombudsman does not take on board complaints on behalf of the prisoner – they must come directly from the prisoner themselves.

Most importantly, make sure that, in the event of a grievance, you show your relative sympathy and understanding, whilst ensuring that they are aware that they are largely responsible for making any complaints.

Changes to relationships & keeping your partner involved

Relationships inevitably undergo a lot of changes when one partner is imprisoned, and sometimes, unfortunately, they come to an end. This final section will take a brief look at typical situations, and how to keep your partner involved in your life.

People change throughout their lives, and a big event such as imprisonment is bound to cause an even greater amount of change than usual. Those remaining on the outside often find that they have more responsibility for looking after children and other family members, as well as making new groups of friends that they wouldn’t have otherwise. This can result in a new found sense of independence and freedom, which can cause prisoners some distress when they return home to find that things have moved on since their arrest. Different changes can have both positive and negative effects on both partners, and it is important to be sensitive to these different effects throughout the prison sentence and beyond.

Keeping a relationship going through a prison sentence can be difficult. As suggested above, good, truthful communication is important – especially if home life has moved on since imprisonment. Partners often find it hard to tell prisoners about life on the outside – they may feel that they are ‘rubbing it in’, or as though they are burdening the prisoner with unnecessary problems which they could deal with. However, feeling some responsibility for events at home can help prisoners to feel that things aren’t futile, and that some things, which they may no longer be in an ideal position to help with, are being looked after. This is especially so when children are involved – involving an imprisoned partner in choices such as bedroom decorating and education will help them feel not only that things at home are being taken care of, but also as though they are still having some influence on their family’s life.

Unfortunately, imprisonment does cause some relationships to become untenable. Regardless of who makes the decision, this can be a distressing event for both parties – especially if, as often happens, the end of a relationship occurs towards the beginning or end of a sentence.

In such circumstances, it is of great importance to make sure that children’s needs are catered for – discussing children’s visits with your partner will help ensure that your children maintain the contact they need with their parent, even if they are accompanied by other relatives from now on. It will also be important to take care to explain what has happened with as much sensitivity and objectivity as possible, and to give your children the chance to talk about their own thoughts and feelings

Many partners find that a crowded visiting room is a far from ideal environment for discussing particularly personal issues. In such instances, the probation service or prison chaplain will be able to help you arrange a ‘special visit’ in order to talk privately and confidentially with your partner.

If you find yourself in such circumstances, and feel that you may need further support or advice, the relationship support organisation Relate (0845 1304010) can provide expert help. Staff at Jigsaw are also on hand to help you deal with difficult personal issues. In cases where you feel that you may need legal support, however, be sure to choose a solicitors’ firm that specialises in family/marital law.